Guatemalan Hospitality--you just can't beat it

When I went to Roatan, Honduras, I decided to take a glass bottom boat tour at one of the beaches in West End. Sitting beside me, was a man from Guatemala so I introduced myself to him. His name was Jose Luis and he introduced his family to me: his wife, Luz Maria and their two children.
We spoke for a really long time and they told me to write them if I decided to go to Guatemala so they could show me around and recommended a cheap hostel where I could stay. When I got back to Nicaragua, I wrote to Jose Luis and we corresponded for about a week until I headed to Costa Rica.
After my time in Costa Rica, I was considering a trip to Guatemala for a few days and decided to take up his offer so last week I wrote the following to Jose Luis:

"Hi Jose Luis and Luz Maria, I'm heading to Guatemala on Tuesday, could you please recommend a place to stay. I look forward to seeing you and the kids again. Danielle
P.S Will send the picture I took of you all soon..."

This is the response I received two days later:
Esta es la esposa de Jose Luis no la puta de Luz Maria
que andaba con el en Roatan. Desafortunadamente no te
puede recomendar ni mierda porque al hijo de puta no
se lo permito. No vuelvas a comunicarte con el y mejor
si ni vienes a Guatemala.

Translation: "This is Jose Luis' wife and not that slut Luz Maria who was with him in Roatan. Unfortunately, he can't recommend you sh*t because I won't allow the son of a bitch to do so. Don't write to him again and at best, don't bother coming to Guatemala."

Say it with me folks: WWWOOOOWWWWWWW!
SHE SURE TOLD ME!!!!!
Can you believe that this guy was on a rendezvous with his lover and ..well I don't know whose kids they were in Roatan, Honduras! But can't you just hear his wife saying all that to me in a stereotypical African-American accent: This is Jose Luis wife and not that HO Luz Maria... and he can't recommend Sh******T and if you come to Guatemala I'll skin yo ass like I skinned dat catfish last night(snap, snap, head bop head bop snap).

Thank God I didn't actually attach the picture in the email.

On second thought, I'm actually grateful to her for writing because can you imagine if I had actually gone to his house and been like "here's the picture of us in Roatan and where's Luz Maria?" because well...Yep, that would've been the end of the Long-Legged-Short-Torso Diaries and I guess you'ld all be saying "Its a shame what happened to Danielle in Guatemala..."


Yes Wangechi, I know what you're thinking after reading this post:
"What is wrong with these Jamaicans, who writes snap, snap head bop snap...Is this a dance?"